We know that feedback matters. Whether that’s giving someone specific praise about a piece of work they did. Or challenging someone over something that needs to be improved. Yet feedback continues to be the thing that has the most mental blocks when it comes to the world of work. I see it all the time in my work. It comes up so much that I just had to make the very first episode of my podcast all about feedback.
Enjoy…
“I’m frightened of saying the wrong thing. Of getting it wrong. Of getting into trouble.
This is the standard response whenever I ask people managers what stops them having feedback conversations.
We know that feedback from our line manager matters.
And sadly, almost 50% of those asked said they received feedback from their manager a few times or less in the past year. While 26% strongly agreed that the feedback they received helps them to do their work better.
But…
The feedback needs to be meaningful and balanced to have the right kind of impact.
In this episode, we’ll explore the things that help take the fear out of feedback conversations for you and for your team. You’ll come away with practical tips and ideas to help you give feedback with confidence.
So, let’s get into it.
Why do we avoid giving feedback?
Sometimes, we assume people just don’t want feedback. But as a 2022 study led by Dr Nicole Abi-Esber found, there was a disconnect between the employees wanting constructive feedback and managers avoidance of giving it. The study concludes that the stress and anxiety managers feel about giving feedback acts as a blocker, meaning managers end up significantly underestimating the extent to people want helpful feedback.
In other words, it’s what we tell ourselves to let us off the hook of doing the thing we think is scary and difficult. Some of us exaggerate how the conversation we go. We play it out in our minds, imagining the worst-case scenario. Thereby adding to the stress and anxiety we might already be feeling.
But whenever I ask coaching clients, “what’s the worst thing that will happen if you have this conversation?” Once they’ve thought for a minute, nearly every time they will say the feedback recipient might get upset.
I then ask if the person is likely to get physical, throw stuff, be violent.
In almost 30 years of these conversations, I’ve yet to come across someone who answers “yes”. More often than not, they look at me like I’m a little bit crazy for even suggesting it.
So then, I ask again, what’s the worst that can happen? Someone shouts or cries or leaves the conversation. These are all things you can handle.
Or, let’s flip it. What’s the best that can happen?
Why people react badly to feedback
Whenever I ask groups of employees what they think of when they think of feedback conversations, they tend to jump to the negative. That they only get feedback when something is wrong.
There’s nothing worse than when your manager says to you, “Could I just have a word?”
We’re not expecting it and for many of us, our guard goes up because we’re expecting something bad to happen.
This is backed up by a 2020 study in the Journal of Organizational Behavior which found that unhelpful and purely critical feedback from managers significantly increased feelings of shame and exhaustion in the feedback recipient.
And in a series of five studies, Dr Rachel Ruttan and Professor Loran Nordgren found that timing matters. The more exhausted a feedback recipient was, the harder they found it regulate their emotions in response to the feedback, and subsequently, were more likely to get defensive. When feedback is ill-timed, not thought through, not carefully crafted, and doesn’t have the aim to help, then it’s no wonder people react negatively.
So far, we’ve looked at why you might avoid giving feedback, and why people might react in negative ways to negative feedback.
But how about this?
What if you prepare for the conversation so that it feels like a helpful, worthwhile and positive conversation for all concerned?
How to give feedback that is meaningful
How often do you wing it when having a feedback conversation? Are the conversations ad hoc, or planned? Do you leave it until you’ve built up the courage to have the conversation? Do you intend to go in saying one thing but end up citing a litany of things the person has done?
There’s no judgment from me if you do any of these. I did some when I was a people manager.
In my experience, very few feedback conversations go well and land in the way they were intended when they’re off-the-cuff. Neither person is prepared.
And that off-the-cuff, random, ad-hoc nature can give the subliminal message that ‘this doesn’t matter’, or ‘it doesn’t matter enough for me to put thought into it’. No wonder then, that so many people ignore the feedback once they leave the conversation.
That’s why using some kind of framework to clarify your thoughts can be helpful. And the kind of framework you use will depend on the nature of the feedback you’re giving.
One of the most popular, well-known, and well-used frameworks is the SBI model. You can use this for giving positive and negative feedback.
The SBI Model
The S stands for Situation.
You describe the specific situation in which the behaviour or issue happened. You need to make it specific and detailed, avoiding generalisations. For example, “At the 10.00am team meeting on Tuesday, when we were discussing project budgets…”
The B stands for Behaviour.
Here, you describe the specific, observable behaviour being discussed. It’s important you keep to the facts and avoid opinion and judgment statements. For example, “On four occasions you interrupted me when I was explaining to the team how we would change the process for project budgets.”
The I is for Impact.
At this stage, you describe the impact of the behaviour on you. It might be that the person is unaware of the impact of their behaviour. For example, “I felt frustrated because my train of thought kept being interrupted. I also felt anxious because the discussion about project budgets took longer and meant we were unable to get to other important agenda items in the time we had available.”
The conversation then opens to how the other person feels and sees the situation. The aim is you work together to agree what will happen moving forward. For example, if the person needs support in working on this and how you will help them.
The Pendleton Method
Another alternative is the Pendleton Method. Psychologist Dr David Pendleton devised five ‘rules’ to help guide feedback conversations, when training a group of Family Medicine Practitioners (FMPs) who found it difficult to give feedback. I have adapted David’s original rules, which focused on FMPs, for people managers, like you.
Step 1 is to ask your team member to tell you two or three things that have gone well or they did well that week.
Step 2 is to acknowledge what they think went well. Then you share two or three things that you think have gone well or they did well that week.
Step 3 is to ask your team member to tell you two or three things they can improve on or they could do differently in the coming weeks.
Step 4 is to acknowledge your team member’s ideas. Then share two or three areas for improvement. Next, share ideas with each other and discuss strategies for closing the gap for improvement.
Step 5 is to close the conversation in a productive way. Each of you shares the most important points you each took from the conversation. Ask your team member to confirm the action they will take and when they will take this by.
These are just two of many feedback frameworks out there.
You might already have a tried-and-tested method you use. That’s brilliant, if you have.
But if you don’t use some kind of framework, and you want feedback conversations to feel less of a chore or something to be fearful of, I’d encourage you to research and experiment with different frameworks. You can start with one or either of the frameworks I’ve shared today or find others that might appeal to you more.
Remember, there are two (or more) of you in this conversation
Every feedback conversation is a 50-50 responsibility.
Just sit with that for a moment.
When I’m coaching a manager on having a challenging conversation with a colleague, they’ve often overthought things and heightened their anxiety as a result. This is often because not only are they taking responsibility for their bit of the conversation but they’re jumping ahead and taking responsibility for how the other person will think, feel and respond.
For simplicity, we’ll look at this from the perspective when there are just two of you in the conversation. You, as the feedback giver. The other person, as the feedback recipient.
You are responsible only for your behaviour and how you show up to the conversation. If you can wholeheartedly say that you were respectful, you were clear, you listened, you gave space, and you didn’t judge, then great. You’ve done your bit. How the other person reacts is their responsibility. That is theirs to own.
Here are some ideas of what 50/50 responsibility can look like in a feedback conversation.
For you, the feedback giver your 50% could be:
- Giving clear, specific and detailed feedback based on your own direct observation
- Establishing a respectful dialogue and using respectful language.
- Creating an action plan together, working with the other person. Not doing to them.
- Checking for understanding by asking questions. Giving the person the benefit of the doubt.
- Giving space for thinking and responding. Sometimes, particularly if it’s a tough message, people need time to think.
For the feedback recipient their 50% could be:
Taking the feedback in the spirit with which it is given. If the feedback giver is clear, respectful and genuinely seems like they want to help, receiving it in kind.
- Being an active participant, such as by asking clarifying questions
- Avoiding defensive reactions, regulating your emotions
- Being aware of and managing your responses to triggers
- Working with the feedback giver to develop an action plan, including agreeing what will happen and by when.
Key takeaways
We’re going to end today’s episode where we began – with our friends from Gallup.
In their survey of employees around the world, people reported that feedback is meaningful when their manager focuses on recognition, collaboration, goals and priorities, and underlying strengths.
Here’s a reminder of the key ideas that I’ve shared with you and that will help create more meaningful feedback conversations:
- Preparation is key. Very few of us can wing these kinds of conversations. At the very least, jot down the one or two main points you need the other person to know.
- Think about the timing of the feedback, particularly if it is negative. Remember, our energy level can impact how feedback givers and receivers handle the feedback. Avoid the end of the workday as most people are likely to be tired.
- Be specific when giving feedback. Give one or two concrete examples but don’t bombard the person with a big list of things. That can end up feeling like an attack. Specific and focused is your aim.
- Remember to be open minded and suspend judgement. You may not have the full story behind why someone behaved or performed in a certain way. Ask questions in a spirit of inquiry, underpinned by compassion. Compassion doesn’t mean letting things go but it can create a more positive environment for the conversation to take place.
- Think about the purpose of the feedback conversation. Is it feedback that needs to be given quickly in a limited time? Is it feedback with a focus on the future? The purpose and outcome you want to achieve will help you pick the most appropriate framework. Remember, one size doesn’t fit all.
Where you’re already feeding back in a constructive and meaningful way, I hope this episode reassures you. Where there are things you could do better, I hope the ideas in this episode give you the confidence to give things a go.
And if there is just one thing I suggest it’s this… Ask for feedback on how you give feedback, and then role model how to receive the feedback you’re given (even if it’s a tough message to hear).
I hope you found this episode helpful. Now, go and manage with confidence!
About the Manage with Confidence podcast
The Manage with Confidence podcast is full of practical and evidence-based tools, tips and skills to help you be the best people manager possible.
It was launched in 2026 by Dr Hayley Lewis and is listened to by people managers, HR professions and coaches in 22 countries around the world. It exists to support people managers, because better managers means better business and better worklife.
You can find the podcast online including Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music and YouTube.
Post author: Dr Hayley Lewis. First published on the HALO Psychology website 25 May 2026 (updated on 19 October 2026).
For more insights on management, performance, and professional growth, subscribe to my monthly email newsletter.