“Setting boundaries with others is key in having a strong relationship with yourself” (p.52) Philippa Perry – The book you want everyone you love to read
A common issue I get asked for support about is boundary setting. I’m big on boundaries, partly because of my own terrible experiences before I became a boundary setter. Until about 2012 I very rarely set boundaries. I was a people pleaser due to a combination of societal expectations of women, being the eldest sibling in a working-class family and learning to shoulder responsibility for EVERYTHING, not wanting to let people down, and wanting to keep on the right side of my various line managers. Little wonder that I ended up with severe burnout that affected my mental and physical health, and my relationships with family and friends.
It comes as no surprise, therefore, that research published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found that employees who have clear boundaries between their work and personal lives, were less likely to think about work outside of work. This acts as an important way to buffer against stress.
Fast forward to 2024 and I am an unapologetic boundary setter. I’m so good at it – and doing it in a way without damaging relationships – that people come to me for help. And I’m going to help you by sharing my top tips right here, right now.
Important boundaries to set at work
“Working on boundaries is crucial, especially if you often feel resentful or overwhelmed by the demands of others. Prioritising everyone else’s needs over your own can leave you feeling neglected and unappreciated. Saying yes to everything even when you want to say no, can affect your well-being and lead to burnout” (p.166) Michelle Minnikin – Good girl deprogramming
Here are the main boundaries I’ve found to be the most important in our working lives:
| Mental boundary | What you will and won’t spend time thinking about. |
| Time boundary | How much time you will give to tasks, requests, and other people’s priorities. |
| Emotional boundary | The extent to which you take on other people’s emotional burdens. |
| Material boundary | How, when, or if you use your own property or finances for work. |
| Physical boundary | Your personal space – who is and isn’t allowed in it, and in what ways people are allowed to physically interact with you. |
| Conversational boundary | The topics you will and won’t engage in at work. Or the time you will and won’t engage. |
| Home life boundary | What you will and won’t allow to interrupt your time with your friends or family. |
| Role boundary | When delegating work to others, being clear on what you will and won’t do. |
| Social media boundary | Whether you will use your own social media accounts, or if you are responsible for looking after company social media, whether you will have the apps on your personal phone. |
And boundaries aren’t just beneficial for you, as an individual. They’re helpful for organisations, too. Let’s take interruptions.
For the individual, the body produces more of the stress hormone cortisol when we’re repeatedly interrupted at work (Kerr et al, 2020). The more stressed we become, the harder it is to think clearly, make good decisions, and be productive. But constant interruptions also cost businesses time and money.
For example, one study found that employees spent on average just 11 minutes on any given project before they would be interrupted. It then took people around 25 minutes to focus back on the original task, once they’d been interrupted. Think about it. An organisation with thousands of employees being interrupted (often unnecessarily) and the amount of time it takes each person to get back on track. No wonder increasing numbers of people are working longer hours just to keep on top of things.
3 important steps to help you set boundaries
- Label your boundaries
Some of the boundaries listed above will resonate with you more than others. This may be because you’re clear on your personal values. For example, if a core value for you is being kind to others, then the emotional boundary might be a bit more difficult for you.
Here’s a way to manage that discomfort. Take each boundary and decide whether it is:
- Non-negotiable
- Open to compromise
Knowing our non-negotiables is helpful. These are the boundaries we’re likely to find a little easier to set. The ones that are open to compromise are where we can get stuck. Sticking with the emotional boundary, here’s a lovely example of compromise while still having a boundary:
“I hold space for my clients to hear their difficulties, I don’t hold their difficulties for them” (p.254) Whitney Iles cited in Neurodiversity Coaching, by Nancy Doyle and Almuth McDowall.
2. Get clear on your priorities.
Using something like the Eisenhower Grid can help with this. This gets you to think about tasks and objectives as important or not important, urgent or not urgent. You then map these out across four quadrants. This clarity can help you push back when a colleague comes along with their urgent priority. Their urgent is not yours. If you want to learn more about the Eisenhower Grid, go check out my post on 10 ideas to help you be more productive.
3. Be clear in your communication.
If it helps, plan what you want to say when setting a boundary. If we leave any room for ambiguity, then we’re open to people taking advantage of that. Here are some wise words from Caroline Webb, in her book How to have a good day:
“…unruffled communication of boundaries is powerful because people’s brains treat ambiguity and uncertainty as a threat. By contrast, clarity is strangely calming, even if the message isn’t exactly what people would like it to be” (p.100)
5 boundary setting examples
| Boundary to set | What to say |
| There’s a risk someone will contact you about an important project when you’re on holiday with your family. | “I know you can appreciate time with family is important and that I won’t be contactable while I’m away. However, if you have any questions about Project X, my colleague Joe Bloggs is up to speed and able to cover while I’m away.” |
| You’re part of a work WhatsApp group and you keep getting pulled into late night conversations. | “I find this group so helpful for solving problems when I’m away from the office. But during the evening and weekends, I’m going to switch off the notifications and ignore the app so I can switch off from work. I’ll pick up the thread when I’m back in work mode.” |
| It’s almost 5pm. You’ve been asked to do something at the last minute. It’s an urgent, time critical issue but you also have an important family commitment. | “I can help you with this for one hour, but I will need to leave at 6pm as I have an important engagement to get to.” |
| You’re feeling exhausted. One of your colleagues starts venting at you about how terrible everything is. | “I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time, but I don’t have the emotional capacity to process this right now. It’s been the end of a long day and I’m feeling exhausted.” |
| There’s an unwritten rule in your company that people don’t claim hospitality expenses. This is even though taking prospective clients out is expected. | “I will always submit a claim for lunches or dinners that I am expected to have with prospective clients. Alternatively, the company should provide me with a company credit card or arrange to pay a restaurant in advance.” |
Bonus tip: An important boundary for the self-employed
At least once a month I get asked to do something for free. Whether that’s talking at a big conference, or someone asking for help designing a leadership programme. Sometimes this is said straight away. Sometimes it’s snuck in later in the discussion. Once I’ve gotten over the audacity, I have a go-to set of responses that I choose from. The response I choose depends on the nature of the request.
Just to flag, I first came across the first four responses below on social media in a nice little infographic. I have never been able to find out who created them. Whoever it was, I thank them a thousand times over. If you know who they are, please let me know so I can credit them.
The fifth option is my own and one I have become comfortable using. After all, no is a complete answer.
| How to politely and clearly say, “I’m not doing that for free” | |
| Option 1: Thank you so much for considering me. Please see here [insert link] for the services and price packages I offer. Let me know if you have any questions. | Option 2: This sounds like a great opportunity. Thank you for thinking of me. Can you confirm that this is a paid opportunity? |
| Option 3: I appreciate you thinking of me for this opportunity but I’m not taking unpaid work at present. | Option 4: Thanks for contacting me. I charge a flat fee for giving this kind of advice, so I’m unable to answer this via DMs. Here’s a link [insert link] if you would like to book a call with me. |
| Option 5: Thank you for reaching out to me for my expertise. I know you’ll appreciate that I don’t work for free. If you manage to get a budget for your event, please don’t hesitate to get back in touch. | |
Did you find this post helpful? I’d love to know, so Tweet me, or drop me a note on LinkedIn. If you have any colleagues that you feel should read this, too, please share it with them. I’d really appreciate it.
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If you liked this post, you might also like these:
10 ideas to help you be more productive
What to do when your boss says everything is a priority
3 tactics to help you manage email overwhelm
Want to have better impact at work? Ensure you’re having some downtime
References
Healthy boundaries protect your time, energy, and well-being — helping you show up as your best self. And once those boundaries are in place, don’t forget to recharge with a little fun. If you’re around kids or simply enjoy a light brain break, try some riddles for kids — a playful way to spark joy and connection.
Such a helpful and relatable post. The practical examples made setting boundaries feel less intimidating. I also write about emotional well-being and personal resilience at griefquote.com — this really resonated with a lot of what I explore there. Thanks for the insights!